Temple of BOOM!

My last post was almost two weeks ago. I did not die, but I almost wish I had. I did not get sick, but what happened is sickening. I lost everything and won everything all the same time. In the end, I gained some wisdom that will serve me in future fairness to myself and myself alone.

Here's what happened:

On May 13th, I asked the county court to grant a TRO against my wife. She got pitched out of the house for ten days. My daughter was not too thrilled about it. I learned again the power of friendship and of making an irrevocable decision and the reality of my own limitations.

May 15th proved to me that my brother was my enemy, though I did nothing, not ever, to hurt him directly or indirectly except that I was born. That wasn't my fault, either. That same day, I discovered for myself what the limit of my terms of settlement would be and that silence was my friend.

May 17th showed me that my lawyer believed me and in me and would help me acheive my goal of being fair and reasonable because, as he said, "there's no reason why you shouldn't be fair and reasonable to your self first. And you can win this thing, I feel it in my gut."

May 18th demonstrated that my daughter would always be just that and nothing could change that fact as she knew and knows the depth and breadth of my love for her as my child and as my beacon. All it took was dinner for two.

May 19th revealed that even the most benign birthday wishes for my brother were to be rejected, though indirectly and thus, dishonestly.

May 20th displayed my poor father's total disconnection from Planet Earth. I must write him a letter, he says, explaining everything.

May 21st tested my fortitude and ability to remain cool under pressure.

May 22nd resounded with the success borne of pure discipline and the refusal to crack, to simply wait and hold on tight. The settlement was of my making, largely, in all the important points, and reinforced that what I learned in school was not for naught and that what I learned in life was worth the price I paid for the knowledge.

Most of all, I learned that the woman I have loved, or thought I loved, since the love I have for a special lady now is transcendant and she of me, had plotted and planned for most of the marriage to get to this point. I don't care that she's a bad person, not worthy of trust. It does matter that my knowledge of this is irrefutably confirmed, so that I know where I stand and so I keep that ground and fight my fight.

Oh, yes, I will lose to some degree, but I will lose on my own terms and that's significant. And when I win, I will win big, because there is no way for my opponent to get all of the elements she wants or needs now. It's a game of attrition and discipline, skills I've learned through the mortally painful shaping scars inflicted by my would-be assassin and that, my friends, is the greatest victory of all.

Liar

I am married to a chronic, pathological liar. I knew this way back when, I just didn't know why and, frankly, I thought that the lies were job-related. As it turns out, every word, literally every word, she utters is a lie.

What constitutes a lie, then? My definition is probably a lot like yours. A lie is an untruth, spoken or written, overt or indirect. The lie of omission is certainly the worst kind because it puts the onus of having to make a decision about the nature of the untruth on the person in receipt of the lie. Combine overt lying with misdirection and omission and what you have is a six-headed-dragon's worth of nonsense meant to hinder and hurt. The only solution is to have nothing to do with a person like this. They can never be contrite, nor will they admit their lie. That would give up control to the lie-ee (I know that's not a word, but work with me, here) to decide whether to continue to bother with that person.

I am in such a situation. I am being lied to using misdirection, misrepresentation and omission. A secret is one thing - everyone is entitled to same - but the lie represented by "I want this" where every effort on the part of the offending party says the opposite is, well, insulting. I guess it works for stupid people. But the offender knows full well that I'm not only sensitive to such manipulation but is also aware that I will take the time to carefully analyse all of my input.

In honour of myself, I will leave it be. It was all unnecessary and in the end, purposely hurtful, meant to punish. I told the truth when asked and even when I thought it was important, always, dammit. The result was vindictive lying. This, I cannot forgive or forget because it was meant to mislead, so that I would be toyed with. Trust from me is very hard to come by. Read back a few entries and understand that my own blood kin lied to me, for pretty much my entire life and if I can't forgive those sins, I certainly won't be forgiving yours.

This is war. I am talking no prisoners. I will not retreat. I will not surrender, not now, not ever. No, I won't turn the other cheek - I'm not Jesus. And if he gets in my way, I'm a gonna stomp Him, too. Your actions are your responsibility so don't blame me for what you willfully and purposely destroyed. I hope your pain lasts and lasts and lasts.

Have a nice day. Byotch.

Design and the Age Of The Internet

Thank you, Al Gore. Yes, if it wasn't for good ol' Albert, I might actually have to come up with ideas on my own. Oh, excuse me, I might actually have to go outside to get some inspiration. Wait, I meant, I might have to go to a museum or something.

There is no substitute for seeing stuff with your own eyes. The light is uninterpreted and it's three-dimensional. But, if you design for production or within a certain vision, it may be impossible to compete with what's available on this here internet. For me, looking at the original art and design work of others is helpful in many ways - color, structure, feel. Via this medium, I can look and look and look and I must say I get many, many ideas. I guess I'm not the only one since the design I see out there in the world is way more complex and broad than I suspect it otherwise might be.

In particular, I like to "use" stumbleupon.com. This is a "community" of sorts but essentially, the device is a web browser plug-in. One installs this either in Mac or PC browsers and it's without adware or anything like that. Press the Stumble! button and, voila!, one is presented with a site, based on preferences chosen at the time of installation, that probably wouldn't be found on one's own. My personal choices are design, photography, art, philosophy and the Mac.

I've been using this plug-in for quite a few months. I've yet to see the same site twice. Other users find a site and submit it, so there's a swarm/parallel processing effect in gathering these sites that would otherwise rely on site-owners listing and tricking the engine into thinking their site is important, which is what happens on search engines. So, there is a plethora of extremely amazing stuff that I've come across that I hadn't found in the ten years prior to this device.

For instance, I found urbandirty.com, which is a free image resource of excellent textures from the real world. While I am always on the hunt-down for patterns and textures, this site offers images that I'd never encounter on my own. It's all searchable by browsing thumbnails or through the use of tags and is fast and intuitive. Me likee.

Feeling Inspired

Spring and sprung and I'm feeling the muses. Problem is, I'm creative on many levels and I'm not sure what I want to do. I have many projects with many loose ends because I'm busy doing boring grown-up stuff, but I need to make something. But what? Write a story? Work on my photos? Do some design? Write a song?

I'll probably think about it for a while and then I'll wind up mowing the lawn instead. Not very creative, but very grown-up. Yawn.