Temple of BOOM!

My last post was almost two weeks ago. I did not die, but I almost wish I had. I did not get sick, but what happened is sickening. I lost everything and won everything all the same time. In the end, I gained some wisdom that will serve me in future fairness to myself and myself alone.

Here's what happened:

On May 13th, I asked the county court to grant a TRO against my wife. She got pitched out of the house for ten days. My daughter was not too thrilled about it. I learned again the power of friendship and of making an irrevocable decision and the reality of my own limitations.

May 15th proved to me that my brother was my enemy, though I did nothing, not ever, to hurt him directly or indirectly except that I was born. That wasn't my fault, either. That same day, I discovered for myself what the limit of my terms of settlement would be and that silence was my friend.

May 17th showed me that my lawyer believed me and in me and would help me acheive my goal of being fair and reasonable because, as he said, "there's no reason why you shouldn't be fair and reasonable to your self first. And you can win this thing, I feel it in my gut."

May 18th demonstrated that my daughter would always be just that and nothing could change that fact as she knew and knows the depth and breadth of my love for her as my child and as my beacon. All it took was dinner for two.

May 19th revealed that even the most benign birthday wishes for my brother were to be rejected, though indirectly and thus, dishonestly.

May 20th displayed my poor father's total disconnection from Planet Earth. I must write him a letter, he says, explaining everything.

May 21st tested my fortitude and ability to remain cool under pressure.

May 22nd resounded with the success borne of pure discipline and the refusal to crack, to simply wait and hold on tight. The settlement was of my making, largely, in all the important points, and reinforced that what I learned in school was not for naught and that what I learned in life was worth the price I paid for the knowledge.

Most of all, I learned that the woman I have loved, or thought I loved, since the love I have for a special lady now is transcendant and she of me, had plotted and planned for most of the marriage to get to this point. I don't care that she's a bad person, not worthy of trust. It does matter that my knowledge of this is irrefutably confirmed, so that I know where I stand and so I keep that ground and fight my fight.

Oh, yes, I will lose to some degree, but I will lose on my own terms and that's significant. And when I win, I will win big, because there is no way for my opponent to get all of the elements she wants or needs now. It's a game of attrition and discipline, skills I've learned through the mortally painful shaping scars inflicted by my would-be assassin and that, my friends, is the greatest victory of all.

Liar

I am married to a chronic, pathological liar. I knew this way back when, I just didn't know why and, frankly, I thought that the lies were job-related. As it turns out, every word, literally every word, she utters is a lie.

What constitutes a lie, then? My definition is probably a lot like yours. A lie is an untruth, spoken or written, overt or indirect. The lie of omission is certainly the worst kind because it puts the onus of having to make a decision about the nature of the untruth on the person in receipt of the lie. Combine overt lying with misdirection and omission and what you have is a six-headed-dragon's worth of nonsense meant to hinder and hurt. The only solution is to have nothing to do with a person like this. They can never be contrite, nor will they admit their lie. That would give up control to the lie-ee (I know that's not a word, but work with me, here) to decide whether to continue to bother with that person.

I am in such a situation. I am being lied to using misdirection, misrepresentation and omission. A secret is one thing - everyone is entitled to same - but the lie represented by "I want this" where every effort on the part of the offending party says the opposite is, well, insulting. I guess it works for stupid people. But the offender knows full well that I'm not only sensitive to such manipulation but is also aware that I will take the time to carefully analyse all of my input.

In honour of myself, I will leave it be. It was all unnecessary and in the end, purposely hurtful, meant to punish. I told the truth when asked and even when I thought it was important, always, dammit. The result was vindictive lying. This, I cannot forgive or forget because it was meant to mislead, so that I would be toyed with. Trust from me is very hard to come by. Read back a few entries and understand that my own blood kin lied to me, for pretty much my entire life and if I can't forgive those sins, I certainly won't be forgiving yours.

This is war. I am talking no prisoners. I will not retreat. I will not surrender, not now, not ever. No, I won't turn the other cheek - I'm not Jesus. And if he gets in my way, I'm a gonna stomp Him, too. Your actions are your responsibility so don't blame me for what you willfully and purposely destroyed. I hope your pain lasts and lasts and lasts.

Have a nice day. Byotch.

Design and the Age Of The Internet

Thank you, Al Gore. Yes, if it wasn't for good ol' Albert, I might actually have to come up with ideas on my own. Oh, excuse me, I might actually have to go outside to get some inspiration. Wait, I meant, I might have to go to a museum or something.

There is no substitute for seeing stuff with your own eyes. The light is uninterpreted and it's three-dimensional. But, if you design for production or within a certain vision, it may be impossible to compete with what's available on this here internet. For me, looking at the original art and design work of others is helpful in many ways - color, structure, feel. Via this medium, I can look and look and look and I must say I get many, many ideas. I guess I'm not the only one since the design I see out there in the world is way more complex and broad than I suspect it otherwise might be.

In particular, I like to "use" stumbleupon.com. This is a "community" of sorts but essentially, the device is a web browser plug-in. One installs this either in Mac or PC browsers and it's without adware or anything like that. Press the Stumble! button and, voila!, one is presented with a site, based on preferences chosen at the time of installation, that probably wouldn't be found on one's own. My personal choices are design, photography, art, philosophy and the Mac.

I've been using this plug-in for quite a few months. I've yet to see the same site twice. Other users find a site and submit it, so there's a swarm/parallel processing effect in gathering these sites that would otherwise rely on site-owners listing and tricking the engine into thinking their site is important, which is what happens on search engines. So, there is a plethora of extremely amazing stuff that I've come across that I hadn't found in the ten years prior to this device.

For instance, I found urbandirty.com, which is a free image resource of excellent textures from the real world. While I am always on the hunt-down for patterns and textures, this site offers images that I'd never encounter on my own. It's all searchable by browsing thumbnails or through the use of tags and is fast and intuitive. Me likee.

Feeling Inspired

Spring and sprung and I'm feeling the muses. Problem is, I'm creative on many levels and I'm not sure what I want to do. I have many projects with many loose ends because I'm busy doing boring grown-up stuff, but I need to make something. But what? Write a story? Work on my photos? Do some design? Write a song?

I'll probably think about it for a while and then I'll wind up mowing the lawn instead. Not very creative, but very grown-up. Yawn.

Yeah, Okay

You wanna fight? Do ya? You wanna step up? If not, step off, bitch.

This is, in essence, what my attorney said to my wife's lawyer today. Note that I called her attorney a lawyer. In my mind, a lawyer is someone who does wills, real estate closings, simple contracts. An attorney is someone engaged in the larger functions of the law, that is, in ball-chopping.

I am in the mood to see some ball chopping today. Yessiree Bob, that's where I want to go today. Why? Because I can, that's why.

Well, okay - there is a reason. I'm suing for divorce as you may know from my previous columns. It wasn't been going well, The theme from the outset was, "I'm going to break your knees, force you to piss yourself in pain and fear, then, as you fall to the pavement, make you lap up that stinking, steaming urine while you beg me to give you something pointy so that you can kill yourself and end the suffering." Yes, that pretty much sums up my ex-spousal counterpart's position. Why so much venom? I must have done something wrong. What did I do?

Nothing, f*ckwit, and I don't care if you believe it or not. I'm tired of explaining what your sexist prejudice has you believe is impossible. And, furthermore, I don't care if you don't care.

Oh, yes, I have bored my friends to tears with my tales of woe. Even my girlfriend (or ex-gf, as the case may be, though this depends on her, now, I guess) would rather me choke on my own vomit than say one more word about it, especially since this will tie me up even further than the timeline as I previously understood it.

Sniff, sniff. Is that the smell of money? Yes, it IS! Come and get it !!!

Lawyers, attorneys, creditors for debt I didn't create, my ex's (and, yeah, she's my ex in my mind, okay, and has been for years, so, tough sh*t) boyfriend's cell phone company are all sniffing for my money. With my dog, I give rewards for good behaviour and tricks well done. Should I treat the humans that could care less hovering around me to wait and see what stitch or crumb I'll drop any differently? I think not.

SO, attorney - do those tricks we talked about today and I'll cut you another check, one of many, I'm sure. Girlfriend, shake off whatever is troubling you at the moment if you don't care to share your issues, get on the phone and restore my manliness. Creditors, go jump in a PCB-filled lagoon and, by the way, her number is XXX-XXX-xxxx. Cheap-ass, low-rent ex's boyfriend - come pick up your future common-law wife, please, I'll pay the fare, First Class, please. Y'all do the tricks you're supposed to do and maybe, just maybe, I'll let you lick my face.

Mammal Massacre

There's a dead possum in the road leading to my house. Ew. Accompanying this now-inanimate creature is the unmistakeable stench of scrunched skunk. Ew. Over last weekend, I saw a dead bear by the side of Route 15. I don't know if she was hit by a car or shot. Ew. The next day, the bear was till there, but not her head. Oh, god. The deer have been enriching the local body shops, too, apparently, judging by the twiggly-limbed corpses strewn over my route. Ugh.

What I haven't seen in this mammal massacre are woodchucks - not a one. Squirrels, sure, lots of them, and chipmunks, too. A cat or dog now and again, but never a woodchuck. I even saw a flattened beaver last fall. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that a) woodchucks know what cars are and 2) they are pushing their fellow mammals into oncoming traffic. This leads me to believe that woodchucks are the sociopaths of the mammal community.

Now, I've never seen them pushing their animal adversaries in the path of a Peterbuilt, but, c'mon - two and two equals, right? So, why do they do it? For kicks? Because of chronic, unresolved validation issues with their collective parentage? No, no - they do it for the money.

Okay, okay. You think I'm insane. Well, the eleven people in my head say otherwise.

Here's what I think happened. About 100 years ago, when the automobile business was just getting off the drawing board and onto the road, well, okay, the roads weren't all there yet, so - would you give me a break? You know what I mean. Anyway, the collision business formed by newly-emigrated Italo-Americans to service busted-up flivvers weren't doing so good. Why? Because there weren't yet enough cars to smack into each other on an ongoing basis, of course. So, what to do? Easy - create accidents thereby, stay in business!

Now, the body shop owners could have got Cousin Leopold or some such poor relation to wander into traffic and stir up some wrecks, but how obvious is that? Animals not only seem innocuous, they often are. Of course, most animals will run away from motion, which is why they have to be pushed. This is where the woodchucks come in.

On the plus side, they're short and it's easy for them to sneak up behind other animals who are already too close to the road. They're fairly agile, as anyone who has observed them scurrying in their waddling way suddenly dip into a strategically-placed burrow will tell you. They are very soft-spoken and non-threatening. But, here's the thing - they are closely related to - you guessed it - rats! Unlike rats, they burrow, as previously mentioned, and I'm sure you've heard James Cagney mutter "you dirty rat," referring to those "dirt rats," the scheming, immoral woodchucks.

In the beginning, the shop owners would pay the woodchucks with termites and other tasty insect snacks, but the 'chucks soon got greedy, demanding cash money for the execution of their dastardly deeds, or else. It's rumored that one body joint in Pasadena held out on the woodchucks, refusing to pay for a round of "business." The next morning, the entire shop was gone - the foundations had been undermined by the digging of a battalion of these very serious animals. Word got around and the woodchucks were respected as forest denizens to this day.

In short, when you see a pattern emerging, be sure to also consider what's not there. The missing piece of the puzzle is probably a woodchuck.

Killing The Blues

This is one of my all-time favorite songs because it says it all: the confusion of ended love, the politics of local society and the bewilderment of seeing the smoke clear and realizing that one is utterly alone:

Leaves were falling ..Just like embers
In colors red and gold, they set us on fire
Burning just like a moonbeam in our eyes

Chorus:
Somebody said they saw me
Swinging the world by the tail
Bouncing over a white cloud.
Killing the Blues

I am guilty of something
I hope you never do because there is nothing
Sadder than losing .. yourself in your love

Somebody said they saw me
Swinging the world by the tail
Bouncing over a white cloud.
Killing the Blues

Now, you ask me Just to leave you
To go out on my own and get what I need to
You want me to find ..what I've already had

Somebody said they saw me
Swinging the world by the tail
Bouncing over a white cloud.
Killing the Blues

This song was written by Roly Salley of Chris Issak's Silvertones. It's been covered by John Prine and Shawn Colvin and is on Salley's solo effort, available for sale at his website.

Here is Colvin's version.