What if . . . I had to describe myself to someone in such a way as to not scare them off almost, if not actually, immediately? My "profile" might go a little something like this . . .
I am ancient - 48 - so those scared of sagging flesh may go on to the next post. In truth, I've been doing some work to combat gravity, and I'm fairly slim, but Mr. Universe I ain't.
I (i i i i oy vey) am creative. It's what I do for a living. I'm really really really good at what I do and get paid heaps for it.
There are good day, great days and not so good days. I am begging you to give sharing those days as a friend a shot. Pretty convoluted sentence, huh?
I love to drive. I could drive to Chicago on a whim and a dare. Please note the clever pseudo alliteration comparable to "on a wing and a prayer."
I'm crappy with kids because all I want to do is share my boundless wisdom with them, a la Aristotle (my fave!) but they like me because I'm not unhip. Dig? Word!
Here's the bad news: I like sunsets mainly because I can see my monitors better and can acheive more accurate work. I'm not that romantic. But I really, really, really like to be a friend and simply love to (better sit down for this one) shop, talk and drink lots of coffee. The kind with caffeine, please.
More bad news - I smoke a half pack a day. My very excellent doctor has set me up to be done by my next birthday, so, we'll see.
More good points - can balance a checkbook, can help you with your business empire, good manager of time, guitar and bass player, can sing, can harmonize, like Mel Torme, like Big Audio Dynamite, adore cheese as much, if not more than Wallace, love Robot Chicken, would like to try owning a motorcycle not for the aura but because I am great with machines and one that can take you from point A to b must be pretty cool, though I could go with a Vespa, too. Final good point - I'm better for you than he is and will work it out, no matter what. Because, though I am as close to being the ultimate catch as is possible within these narrow cosmos, I am humble and cherish that value of the star that is you.
So, save up those boxtops and send in your entry. No secret decoder ring will be sent as NONE WILL BE NEEDED.
There - I've said it all. Oh no, I've said too much.
All cultural references have been included to derive age-appropropriate responses. And, to that Turkish woman: no, I can't send you a visa but thanks for asking.
As a fellow New Jersean once said:
Ciao, America!!!
