Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Wishing You Were Here . . . Wait: You Are Here

Saturday, December 10, 2011

He Knows When You Are Sleeping . . .


Why does Santa have a homeless alcoholic's nose, Mommy? Why is he looking at your ass like that? Is that Rudolph's dismembered head behind him?

Santa is PISSSSSED! 
     Man in Red Suit: "A Jew!"
     Men in Traditional Hassidic / Amish Garb: "We don't believe in you, but Gesundheit anyway. Love the belt-buckle, by the way."

Yes, no Christmas season is complete without mischief, mayhem and a little murder. In Santa's Slay, (get it? Slay - Sleigh? Ah hahahaha!) Santa, is a demon who is also the Son of Satan, who loses a bet with an angel and is forced to spread merriment, cheer and gifts. But it turns out it's not really his thing.

Santa, like clowns of all type except mimes who aren't really clowns anyway though are sometimes included in the category of entertainers called clowns though this doesn't seem fair since there is not, I do not believe, anyone in history that was much like John Wayne Gacy and that was either employed as a mime either full- or part-time nor who pursued the art of mimery as a hobby while also burying the bodies of teenage boys under his (or her) house, is a somewhat malevolent figure. He's supernatural, like poltergeists or The Kraken, hence, immune to human suppression, should the need arise. He has a long history of breaking and entering (sliding down yer chimney, boy!), animal abuse (utilizes magical, anti-gravity reindeer for commercial purposes without any form of rest during the delivery period), white slavery (maintains an unpaid crew of  workers who are apparently detained at the work-house without compensation), and invasion of privacy and stalking (he knows when you are sleeping and awake and whether you've been bad or good - however accomplished, clearly illegal.)

I recommend Santa's Slay, headlined by WWE Star Bill Goldberg (i-ron-y-?) because it will punch the whimsy right out of Christmas for you and that, my friend, is how it should be.