Friday, March 15, 2013

Time To Move On

I've been doing plenty of everything lately and have neglected this favourite form of expression, the no-holds-barred, 2,000 word essay. Prob is, time is money and I have precious little time. Thanks, Ma, for the big brain. Appreciate it. Really.

So, it's time to monetize this bitch a little better than what's being doing on Blogger*, hence, I'm planning to move this hole, excuse me, whole thing to a dedicated domain of its own and then, see how it goes. Sure. I have hopes and dream like any red-blooded American boy that yearns for adventure with a wolf or something, but I want to take it slow, okay? I mean, I really like you and, that's why. Okay?

Therefore, I'll need a little help. I need a name for the new site so that I can register it then Wordpress it up, y'all. I want you. To help me (silly!) choose a new domain name. Now, don't be annoying and register a name then try to sell it to me because I'm just not a-gonna do that, but DO send me your idea in the comment and if I select yours, you WILL get a $10 gift card to Dunkin Donuts. Hey. you don't even have to tip the poor immigrants, you cheap person, you.

"But you never publish the comments," you say. That's right, because I f*cking hate the spammy crap that comes in with the good stuff, but I read each and every one, so I know who's been naughty and who's been very naughty. Heh, heh.

Please. I am begging you. I need your help. I want your help. I desire and require it. Don't let me down, now. Gotta keep that Web Hand strong, yo.

Write it up.

(*Blogger is a superb vehicle for this kind of thing, but because of technical reasons, an independant domain is preferable, especially if I gonna get paid for noodling away tons of hours writing this highly entertaining sh*t f'y'all. Dig? I love Blogger, fo' sho' and why they haven't ported it to a Wordpress-like deployment is beyond me, but I don't have time to research it. Here's an idea - you research it, write a witty column about it and I promise I will feature you on the new site. No free coffee card, though. Sorry. What am I? Made of money? Peace out.)

What Goes Around . . .

A few years ago, I had a brief stint at a giant company that was, to put it mildly, a bad experience. Funny how things work out, though. So, I wrote this, meaning to appended it to the end of that shakily-written story:

"Epiloque, 2013 . . . Ha, ha, ha, ha! OMG! OMFG! Every last one of those people were fired, no notice, out cold. Some of them, I hear, have been out of work since the mass layoff, going on two years. As for me? No worries, mate. After penning that diatribe, I wrote up a wrongful discharge and defamation action, sent their house counsel a courtesy copy and got as follows: an apology, cash money, and unopposed unemployment benefits in exchange for F*CK YOU, you lying pack of criminals. Your country-club hoppoing, golf-addicted in-house didn't even bother to get a quash or even a release, so there's nothing, nothing at all, stopping me from telling this story over and over and over again, to whomever I like, as long as it's true and since your papa says it's true, it's true.

"You're all out of work now! Ah hahahah! Benefits running out soon, yes? House on the market in an immovable economy? Yes? One of your key people tried to stick and stay at my company and what happened? I found out about it, naturally. We used him up and spit him the f*ck out. Gone baby gone. Did any of you fine folks ever bother to find out who I knew in the industry and who knew and respected me? No? Next time, instead of behaving like arrogant, manipulative school girls, size up the "enemy" before you cobble together a downright stupid plan to maximize your overtime while exposing your company to enormous legal risk. You just can't lie and lie and expect to get away with it forever. Or, actually, you can throw up enough stuff on the walls and see what it gets you. You're lucky I was knee-deep in a divorce then. Today, I would personally enjoy having your attorney empty your bank account while I turned down each and every offer to settle and carefully and thoroughly wound my way through each case management conference and motion hearing, knowing that it was an excellent bet that I would prevail. See, I don't settle when it comes to my honour and to my reputation. I will NEVER deal from weakness - ever. Better to figuratively die on one's feet than live on one's knees, to paraphrase. And though it's not in my nature, truly, I promise that I will change your life forever the moment you bully mine. Your boss has been hiring lately - did you know that? Did you know that your boss will never hire back any of your idiots? Do you know why? He told me exactly why. Last week. At the club. It was a chance meeting. I swear."

After looking it over, I thought that it seemed trite and very angry and not particularly clever. I like being clever, especially when it takes the form of stream-of-conciousness writing. I truly get hoots when I read back old essays, sometimes shaking my head and muttering, "Now, that's really f*cking funny."

There's a bird that's taken up residence at Chaos Manor II. He's a cockateil named Ozzie.His crown has tall yellow feathers done up in London Punk fashion, circa 1977. And he has a punk attitude to match. I had a similar hairdo during my brief rise to musical obscurity in the early '80s.

Sure, he was nice enough at the store, but now? I didn't know that birds could hiss. When I put my hand into his cage to change the water, it's full-on Assault On The Humans. The dog is mostly bored, but somehow, secretly, mildly amused. I can take his pint-sized pecks, but the anger . . . it hurts, okay?

Is it because I purchased him for money, like I might a slave? Perhaps he's angry because I tore him from the warmth and bosom familiarity of his brood. But maybe he's just angry. Just because.

So, he can bite me. I've made that vow. The world's been sympathetic to my wiring, so I should return the favour. Chomp away, little bird. Dig in.