Friday, June 25, 2010

What A Hoot

I love Nigerian scammers. So much work goes into the construction of their scam letters and the way they are put together constitutes a distinct style. I haven't seen one in a while and I kinda miss 'em, so I rooted around in my spam folder. Sure enough, I found this gem:

Barrister.Henry Ivan Loo
13, Jalan 4, Taman Seri,
Cheras Jaya.
TEL: +60-166-245-514.
EMAIL: barristerhenryivanlooconsult02


I am Barrister Henry Ivan Loo, an attorney at law. I discovered your email and
information through comprehensive web email search on directory so I
decided to contact you. I know this sounds like a scam because of lot of
activities going on the internet. But I assure you that this is real.

A deceased client of mine, who hereinafter shall be referred to as my
client, died as the result of a heart-related condition on the 11 November
2001. His heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his
family in the Gulf Air Flight Crashes in Persian Gulf near Bahrain Aired
August 23, 2000 - 2:50 p.m. ET as reported on:

I have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my
client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank
where this deposit valued at Ten Million Six Hundred Thousand United State
Dollars. ($10,600,000.00 USD). Is lodged. This bank has issued a notice to
contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated.

My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the
next-of-kin and beneficiary of my named client, so that the proceeds of
this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a
mutually agreed-upon percentage. All legal documents to back up your claim
as my client's next-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest
cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. This will be
executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from many
breach of the law.

This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you
from many breach of the law.  If this business proposition offends your
moral values, do accept my apology. I must use this opportunity to implore
you to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this matter extraordinary
confidential, whatever your decision, while I await your prompt response.
Please contact me at once to indicate your interest. I will like you to
acknowledge the receipt of this e-mail as soon as possible via my private
EMAIL: ( and treat with absolute
confidentiality and sincerity. I look forward to your quick reply.

Also include your direct telephone number when contacting me to enable me
call and speak with you.

Best regards,

Barr.Henry Ivan Loo
So, to Mr. Water Closet, I have replied with the best legalistic purple prose I could muster:
Dear Mr. Loo;

Many thanks to you for your honorable and esteemed decision to make the choice of my personage as your contact in this matter. Be assured that all information you provide will be held in the strictest confalusion. Further, please excuse me if I have addressed you improperly as I am not sure of the proper salutation for a person or persons of your station.

It seems that we may travel, or, at some time, have traveled,  in social spheres most similar. I am Dr. Peter DuVal Neos, formerly Consultante de Le Ordre de Escargot L'Or of the French High Command and now, due to the recent upheaval in the political climate of mon pays, that is, 'my country', I am, sadly, retired and in semi-permanent, self-imposed exile in the United States of America.

I have read with great interest the particulars of your proposal. Please be assured that I am not only interested in providing my assistance, I would be honor-bound to do so with great pride. Naturlement, you might expect that a person of my temporarily degraded station may participate in certain remunerations so as to offset associated costs and expenses that may be found to be involved in the successful completion of this project. I must, however, advise you that since I am bound both by honor and by duty, I will not and cannot represent myself as any other than the proud man and scion of history that I have become.

Therefore, if you are so disposed, I would be most appreciative of your creative input as to the matter of properly providing me with the appropriate tools so that I might aid you in this matter. I do understand the urgent nature of your request and be again assured that I stand ready to provide whatever assistance I might render. Of course, lest it not be said, your particular associations will need to be considered as I will not wish to be involved with those involved in acts against their state or the states or peoples of others. On this, I am most firm.

Most judcious regards,

Dr. P. DuVal, MMS, BPOE
Let's see what happens.

• • •
UPDATE: So far, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED because, as usual, these folks are chicken-livered poopy-heads. I heartily recommend you visit for some entertaining, sad and sometimes scary dealings with Nigerian scammers.

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