Thursday, December 28, 2006

Sir Write A Lot

Yes, I love people. okay? You happy? Well, I don't love all people - I wouldn't dare pretend to be that kind of person. In fact, I admire people like that. They have a genius for making a human connection that I can't even begin to understand.

But certain people I do love. My kid. My mom. My brother, in a twisted way that's unravelling ever so slowly. And then, there's this chick I know. Well, I don't really know her. In fact, she may be a fiction inasmuch as I'm a fiction of sorts. Or you are for that matter.

Anyway, I wanted to preserve what I've thought about her. She's too good for me, clearly, and so, I already see the end of the "relationship" because I love her ways. And I don't want to hurt her. And I can't avoid hurting her because I am me. That sucks, you might say, but that's the way it is. So, I show my love my not allowing her to love me. Hmm.

What's the backstory? I'm a two-time loser in love relationships. The first time around was ten years of bizarre miscommunication and non-communication the level of which hasn't been seen since Babel's famous erection. The second go-round was a complete mis-cue of macho-depressive-disaffection that would, frankly, scare my mother to death. There isn't going to be a third time. Even though I probably have found the "one" , I'm not going to inflict myself on her, just on principle.

And, it's not like I'm so bad, either. But, it's taken a major round of epiphanies to get to this point. Much pain has been bandied about. My personal growth continues. But, to what end? Sure, I feel better. But I know that if I take the chance to bring someone into my life whom I could love truly, there is the chance of a broken heart on someone's part or years of malaise ending in discrete disappointment. Why should I take that chance?

Because there's unbelievable chemistry there? Because she speaks to my soul? Because in every written reply she touches my heart in just such a way that I KNOW I''ll never feel again? Yeah, okay. That's exactly why I have to stay one million miles away from her. Because. Because I don't deserve her. Because even someone mediocre and distracted will be better for her in the long run. Because he will be consistent. Boring, but even. I'll give her the roller-coaster ride of her life, and, yes, there will be vomiting involved, just like the real thing.

So, I'll be publishing, for no one to see, what I have thought about her, though, out of the deep and abiding respect I have for her, I can't disseminate what she's written to me. I can tell you that she is a wonderful and easy-going writer and fun to read. She has a natural talent as well as well-learned skills, clearly. But, you'll just have to take my word for it.

Please stay tuned to this Bat-channel for some interesting stuff, if I do say so myself.