Sunday, October 14, 2007
In matters of the heart, I, well, I suck. I presume too much, pay too little attention and bite off more than I can chew. Truly, I find it to be work - pleasurable, but not natural. I would not claim to be a nurturing person.
On the other hand, I give what I can, completely and loyally. I treasure my friends and my friendships. Sometimes, friendships can turn romantic and become lopsided, killing the friendship that lay underneath and nearly killing the participants.
There has been much discussion in my local circles about the nature of responsibility in a relationship. I find that no matter how hard I try, I've been misconstrued, assumptions have been wrought and then, I'm to blame. In other words, people want to write their own histories and hear what they want to hear. Fine. I'm not going to be responsible for that.
Therefore, I'm stepping way back, in fact, out of the picture, so that I'm not part of your version of history. I've tried to talk to you, to explain and reassure, to offer my friendship, understanding, time and loyalty. I have always said that being friends is hard because there's acceptance, grace and fealty required. In fact, I should say that it's something the friend should naturally ascribe to.
I've gone through my own personal hell these last few years. It took me along time to even realize it. You stood by me, gave me cogent advice, was my First Reader and shared your love. Then you yanked it back, then you gave it again, and yanked and came back. Okay - I know what I want and what I don't and this is not what I want.
I was always there for you as a friend. Whether it was your household issues or mine, I listened and gave you advice that a romantic interest would never do. I, as a good friend, would advise you against my own interests, had I had romantic inclinations in rendering such advice, to do things that would be best for you. All I asked for in return is for you to listen to what I was really saying. Instead, and this is not an indictment, you heard what you wanted to and used that against me, discarding acceptance, disdaining my person-hood.
I'm not a bad guy. I am still loyal to you in my heart, but clearly this can't go further than it has. This is something that we could have resolved instead of leaving it like a rotting fish on a doorstep. So, that fish must rot, stinky as it is. I understand, but I don't like it. I won't say that I can forget it. I am a person and as a person, I should be allowed to say my piece.