Friday, April 23, 2010

Ommmmmmmmmm . . ..

I love a good joke. Sometimes I even think 'em up on my own dime. Here's one:

The Dalai Lama (sort of like the Pope, only Buddhist) finally has a chance to visit New York. He's walking down Fifth Avenue and he sees a hot dog vendor. Although he's normally a vegetarian. he's heard so much about the divine nature of New York franks that he absolutely has to have one. He asks the vendor for one with everything on it and gives him twenty bucks. After he takes a bite, he says to the hot dog guy, "So, what about the change?" The vendor looks at him with a little smile and says, "Change? Change comes from within . . ."

Ahhhhh, ha, ha, ha. God, that was good, if I do say so myself. And here is my favorite joke of all time - I'll keep it short, rather than take my humor-killing, novelistic approach for which I'm known:

A dog walks into an employment agency. He jumps up on a chair next to the desk of one of the agents and says to the guy, "Hey, pal: can you help me out? I'm looking for a job." Astonished at hearing a dog talk, the agent drops his sandwich and starts fumbling through his Rolodex. "Um, ah, yeah, well, I don't know what I can find for a . . . for a . . . TALKING DOG!" he blurts. Calming down, he says, "Look, I don't think I have anything for you. Have you tried the Circus?" The dog looks at him narrowly and say, "Circus? What's the circus gonna do with a plumber?"

Oh, gawd, tears are rolling down my blouse. Oh, that is so hilarious . . .
Hey, hey: did you hear the one about the penguin on vacation? Okay, here it is: A penguin finally gets tired of freezing his ass off at the South Pole and decides to take a vacation. Where else to go but somewhere sunny and glamorous, so he packs his bag and heads out to Hollywood. While enjoying Rodeo Drive, a friendly sales clerk tells him that he simply MUST visit Las Vegas since it's only a few hours' drive. So, the penguin rents a car and heads into the desert. At exactly the half-way point, his rental breaks down and he's soon rescued by a small-town tow truck. The penguin and the driver make it back to the garage and the mechanic, feeling very sorry for the Antarctic bird sweating up a storm in the desert heat, suggest he go down the street to the ice cream shop for a nice, cool treat. So the penguin ambles down the street, enters the shop and orders up a jumbo dish of vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, being a penguin and all, he finds it impossible to hold the spoon and he makes a terrible mess getting the ice cream into his face, but he's so refreshed that he doesn't care. Cooled off, he heads back to the garage to check on his ride. The mechanic is under the hood and hears the penguin come in by the ding-ding of the station bell. He doesn't look up from his work and he says, "Well, looks like you blew a seal . . ." to which the penguin quickly replies, "no, no - it's just ice cream."

I'll leave you to ponder that one. Cousteau, table for one!

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