Saturday, August 4, 2007

Oops, There It Isn't

As usual, I'm thinking about penises. Wait, wait - it's not what you think. I'm not thinking of them in a gay way, okay? I'm thinking what I suspect most men think - is it a source of pride, or of prejudice?
Though this has never happened to me, I supposed there are two opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to the subjective opinions, usually delivered in private, at least at first, about one's penis, probably by one's love mate. The preferred response, for most men, I would think, is "Oh, My, God - it's huge!" This is the ultimate compliment for a man, I am most sure. On the other end of the spectrum might be something like, "Oh, how cute!" Oh, how dreadful that observation must be for the receipient of the compliment.

Fortunately for me, my partners have been kept gagged by legal agreements and monetary settlements, some quite generous, I think, so hearing such commentary hasn't been an issue for me. After all, I wouldn't want to frighten off any potential, new playmates (heh, heh, heh!)

Still and all, what constitutes an adequate penis? The bad news is that penis size and breast size for men and women respectively are about equal in terms of concern. This has to do with body perception. The fact of the matter is that most men and women are average, that is, they are more like the majority than like the minority of either being very large or very small.

Photo: Rasputin's penis on display at the St. Petersburg, (Russia) Museum of Erotica ->

For men, the average size, according to my scientific research, is about 5.5 inches in length. Circumference averages at about 3 inches. So, that's about 15 square inches of cock surface or about 9.7193 cubic inches. (Here's a tip, guys: start expressing your size in cubic inches - just like a Chevy short-block!) If we use the weight of water, which is 0.036 pounds per cubic inch, the the average cock at full attention would weigh 0.35 pounds, which is just a little more than the weight of a Royale with Cheese, sans condiments, but with the seeded bun. Betcha wisht ya stayed awake in high school geometry . . .


So, what happens when the unthinkable happens, a la Lorraine Bobbit? First of all, it happens WAY more than you think. Women don't seem to respect the fact that their little tantrums may result in eunuchdom for their mates, and that they know it. Hence: "Yes, dear." Oh, yes, we wish to retain our penile appendages, please. Nevertheless, women around the world have been hacking away at the Great Stalk for millenia. Even the mythical god Uranus (stop snickering) had his tallywacker terminated by his son, Chronos (Saturn), tossed into the sea, whereupon his daughter, Venus, rose up from the foam. Frankly, we wish it would stop.

Why Bobbit-ism? First of all, some men, myself not included, except for that one time in Las Vegas and that time in Anchorage, but I was cold and drunk and that time in the back of that van, but I digress. Some men just don't know how to keep it zipped. It's said that men are only as faithful as their next opportunity.

Let me comment on this. Research has shown that 40% of women are likely to have a sexual "affair" outside of an otherwise monagomous relationship versus 60% of men. Without going into the anthropological reasons for this, let's apply a little common sense. More men than women have affairs while married. Okay. This makes men dogs. Women, of course, are neglected and lonesome and thus, required adequate porking, while hubby was out bringing home the bacon. Hubby, being a horrible swine, glommed onto the first hair clam he could snatch - that's a pun. No, not punnany! What's the matter with you? Therefore, the oinkster should have his weenie whacked. Makes sense to me.

Bobbit-ism lives on, so, guys, I suggest a stainless-steel cup, 24/7, preferably electronically alarmed.

Here are excerpts from the latest penis-hacking stories from around the world:

Anchorage, AK - Anchorage woman cut off boyfriend's penis, police say
"Surgeons reattached an Anchorage man's penis over the weekend after his girlfriend, apparently upset over a pending breakup, cut it off with a kitchen knife, Anchorage police said Sunday. A city wastewater utility worker recovered the penis from a toilet down which the woman had flushed it."

For some bizarre reason, the man allowed his girlfriend to tie him to the bed after letting her know he wanted to break up with her. Not too swift, I must say.

But wait, there's more:

Thailand - Wife cuts off husband's penis
"She hoped he would stop philandering and stay with her if he could no longer function sexually. "I love him and I don't want him to leave," she said."

Yeah, that would keep me at home, no doubt.

China - Wife cuts off hubby's manhood
"On the way back home, Yao threatened to 'disable' his husband but he thought she was bluffing. Li went to bed early but he was woken at midnight by a sharp pain.

He said: "My wife was holding a large part of my penis, and I pleaded with her to send me to hospital immediately, but she refused firmly, and when I pleaded with her to give me back the cut penis, she threw it out of the window."

The hospital carried out emergency surgery and sent staff to look for Li's severed penis, but found it had been eaten by a neighbour's dog."

Yow, Yao! Snausages! Oh, I'm not going to say that the dog was hungry again a half-hour later, c'mon.

Harris County, Texas - Girlfriend accused of severing man's penis in Harris County

A Harris County woman cut off her boyfriend's penis with a kitchen knife while he was sleeping. Delmy Margoth Ruiz, age 45, said she attacked her ex-boyfriend, Rene Aramando Nunez, 33, because he had been unfaithful and had physically abused her. Eighty percent of his penis was severed, detectives said. The severed organ was not found after the attack Thursday morning at the woman's home."

She got a whopping two years in the joint for removing this poor fellow's, well, joint.

And it should be said that women are not the only ones to blame for willie whacking weirdness.

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia - Man severs penis to prove faithfulness

". . . got into an argument last Friday with his wife, who found a text message on his mobile phone from another woman."

I guess we know who won that argument, huh?

Chicago, IL - Distraught man severs own penis, throws it at officers
"Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said."

Sort of like throwing an empty shotgun at a charging elephant, I would say. I can just imagine the poor cops thinking "ew, ew, ew . . ."

And, for the piece de resistance:

London, Merry Olde England - Man cuts off own penis in restaurant
"A man cut off his penis with a knife in a packed London restaurant."

A pizza restaurant, to be exact. Their featured pie? MEATLOVER'S!

By the way, if you share my level of concern about penises in general yet haven't the time to devote to tracking the topic, as I apparently do (someone give me a job, please!), you can visit for a digested daily update of this topic most central.

Let's try to answer some of the questions posed. Why are men unfaithful? Opportunity. If the babes aren't giving it up, they're not getting any, so, it's actually women's collective fault. That one is solved. Next: does penis size matter? Yes. If you were wondering, yes. Women prefer penises with greater girth, greater than average, in 71% of those polled. I would say that's a majority, wouldn't you? But being that greater girth is harder to find, women tend to be unfaithful less oftern than men, throwing back, if you will, the girth-less. Great - another mystery solved. We already know chics are picky, so this makes sense. Finally, anatomically speaking, does size matter? Actually, no. The vaginal canal with sufficient arousal (can you say foreplay, boys and girls?) will compress or expand to more or less perfectly fit the ol' backstabber, pork sword or custard-hurler. So, size matters IN THE MIND, if you don't mind, if yer flicking the bean or polishing the button correctly, it should not matter that you're hung like a gerbil. Excellent!

By the way, the God of Phalluses has been kind to me. Very kind. Very, very kind. Get my drift? Heh, heh. Heh. Ahem.