Saturday, August 11, 2007

She's A Maniac

The title just about sums it up. My girlfriend is a maniac. First, let me address the concept of what I mean by the term "girlfriend."

A girlfriend is a female human with whom a male human has an extended relationship that transcends intellectual intimacy into the realm of the physical. Such physical intimacy is indicative of more than simple sexual desire. It is a confirmation of trust built between the male and female so that the act of physical interaction in of itself takes on an additional dimension. This is why extra-relationship sexual exploits have an impact on said long-term relationships, typically.

Now: I'm neither old nor young, but middle-aged. I feel 28, but I'm 48. Ouch. Still, my girlfriend is a "girl" to me in so many ways. She's coquettish, feminine, supple, quiet, nasty (in a good way,) sexy, secretive. True, she's near my age but, oofa, I see her as if she's my age - 28. Go figure. Anyway, she fits my definition of a girl, fer sure.

So, after building our friendship for what might seem a long time, we merged. Not the way you might think, exactly, either. No parked-car, windows-steamed quickie kind of deal, but instead, an exploration of the wonderland that is the quiet space between us. She was exceedingly kind, in a maniacal kind of way, and oh, so hot, hot, hot.

I have no real idea of what the dating scene is today. I'm not sure what expectations women have or what their requirements are. What I've found is that she and I brought forward our sense of what is a good connection from the "good old days" and have wrapped it in the context of a lifetime of experience. She's definitely independent and a survivor of many life challenges, for which I admire her very, very much. She's had to bear up and stay away from the proverbial noose. No easy task and an inspiration to me. This is the more adult aspect of my appreciation of The Girlfriend. Still, she knows how to be a girlfriend in a most uplifting way. I feel positively kingly when I'm with her and I'm not kidding.

Our relationship is complicated by at least two things. One, I'm out of work and this makes it nigh impossible for me to deal with her footing the bills for our activities. It feels odd, but even a soda - it just bothers me: I feel like a leech. I know she wants to, but I know she's just a working girl. It's not fair to her. On the other hand, I would have to not see her at all, more or less, and we barely see each other now. Our private time, just to be alone, away from the eyes of the world, is virtually nil. Yes, we have met and sat and talked in our respective cars, but that's not the same thing. I just want to curl up with her, to hear her breathe, to smell her skin. Right now would be good, right now. And I know she would take me on these terms right now because, like most women, she has a broad view of the timeline of life and knows that this is only temporary.

The other thing has to do with time and my bizarre home life. Right now, I'm working my ass off trying to find a place to work my ass off for money. Being out of a job most definitely sucks a big one. I have a daughter I need and want to care for, and I must not fail. On the other hand, I can't crank 24/7 without that human connection. My ex is right - I am a selfish bastard. Instead of spending time with my girlfriend, shouldn't I be working? This from someone who didn't work for five years and before that worked in my business at her leisure. Shouldn't I be spending time with my daughter? But I do, I do. And I'm human, for God's sake, I think, anyway. How long can I have this wonderful girlfriend anyway if I can't manage to carve out a few hours a week for her? Not long, I wager.

So, the best, most "correct" thing to do would be to set aside our relationship until I get my act together, so to speak. That is find a job, save some money, get a place to live, sue my ex to resolve the property issues and THEN be a good boyfriend. But I just can't do it. I cannot let her go, though I know it would be better for her. I know what she wants and why, by manipulating her emotionally, should I keep her on ice? It's wrong. So, the bleeding is slowed by lots of phone talk, e-mail, chats and the very, very occasional meet-up. Just to put it in perspective, I think we've been together - not for sex, damn you - perhaps four times? Over how many months? Six months (I know she'll correct me: thanks, hon.)

She's a great girlfriend. Attentive, interesting, smart, sexy - oh, I said that already. She's a maniac. The first time (and so far, only time) she stole my virginity, I thought she would break me in two but it was like a McDonald's milkshake - I'd just keep sucking even though I was down to the foam. Okay, that's not the best analogy. But we were together and I could not get enough of simply touching her. Smooth skin, lovely scent, very nice feet - and I'm not a foot fetishist, okay? And she's a maniac. OMFG. Explosive. Innovative. Surprising. Sounds like I'm talking about a new car, doesn't it. There's actually a correlation there, but let's move forward.

When I had to let her go, I couldn't even watch her leave. It felt like I should just run after her. Aye, there's the rub. Do the right thing, or give into my hedonistic self? Where's the balance in what's already a balancing act? New territory for me.

And she's concerned that she's "pushing." Ha. Push, push, in the bush, baby. Now, I'm not the most attractive prize at the carnival, but I am willing to wager that nine men out of ten would kill to have these "problems." Pushing me? I can't get enough of her as it is. I see not only the attractive, sensual "package" that she is, but also a whole panorama of possibilities for a future with her. I really see, in my daydreams of her, a good life together with family, children, grandchildren (yikes), hard times, easy times, happiness, sadness and mirth.

Still, I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I'm up to her speed and she's luxuriously languid but a high-roller in the love department. She's a true maniac in a press-forward but mind the torpedoes sort of way. She understands that I'm 48, not 28, despite my resplendent fantasies. By this, I come to believe that women in general are far superior to men in every way. And I think I love her very much. Which may or may not be a good thing. (Don't worry, honey, it's not what you think.)

So, I turn to you, guys, and tell you one more time - listen to the poets. Give it all you got. Make every day, hour and minute count. Keep in shape. Stay employed and educated. Be a mensch. Do a good deed every day. Think up new ways to keep her loving you, and she will. Don't stray. Be a man, goddammit. As Bruce says:

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

Copyright © Bruce Springsteen (ASCAP)

Columbia Records
© 2007 Sony BMG Music Entertainment, Inc.