I just can't. This is too complicated. I can't figure it out. I've said too much. I don't say the right things or make the right choices. I'm back again to being frozen. I just can't figure it out.
When I go back and read old e-mails, sometimes I think I'm strictly insane, sometimes I'm an idiot, sometimes brilliant and amusing. I know it seemed like the right idea at the time but I'm never right. WTF?
Maybe I should just be alone and that's it. Just go to work, eat Chinese food twice a week from the take-away and be satisfied? Will I turn into Travis Bickel? Am I him already?
I'm pretty smart but I don't seem to have the steadfast common sense the gods gave a goat.
Even at this moment, I am frozen, unable to pick up the phone and make that call, the one I should make, the one that would end it, the right call to the right person in the right place. I am frozen because I know it's a fantasy and a waste of time. Nothing turns out the way I think it will or how I imagine it should.
So, I guess that makes me a moron. Huh. Best keep my mouth shut, then.
