Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Yeah, Okay

You wanna fight? Do ya? You wanna step up? If not, step off, bitch.

This is, in essence, what my attorney said to my wife's lawyer today. Note that I called her attorney a lawyer. In my mind, a lawyer is someone who does wills, real estate closings, simple contracts. An attorney is someone engaged in the larger functions of the law, that is, in ball-chopping.

I am in the mood to see some ball chopping today. Yessiree Bob, that's where I want to go today. Why? Because I can, that's why.

Well, okay - there is a reason. I'm suing for divorce as you may know from my previous columns. It wasn't been going well, The theme from the outset was, "I'm going to break your knees, force you to piss yourself in pain and fear, then, as you fall to the pavement, make you lap up that stinking, steaming urine while you beg me to give you something pointy so that you can kill yourself and end the suffering." Yes, that pretty much sums up my ex-spousal counterpart's position. Why so much venom? I must have done something wrong. What did I do?

Nothing, f*ckwit, and I don't care if you believe it or not. I'm tired of explaining what your sexist prejudice has you believe is impossible. And, furthermore, I don't care if you don't care.

Oh, yes, I have bored my friends to tears with my tales of woe. Even my girlfriend (or ex-gf, as the case may be, though this depends on her, now, I guess) would rather me choke on my own vomit than say one more word about it, especially since this will tie me up even further than the timeline as I previously understood it.

Sniff, sniff. Is that the smell of money? Yes, it IS! Come and get it !!!

Lawyers, attorneys, creditors for debt I didn't create, my ex's (and, yeah, she's my ex in my mind, okay, and has been for years, so, tough sh*t) boyfriend's cell phone company are all sniffing for my money. With my dog, I give rewards for good behaviour and tricks well done. Should I treat the humans that could care less hovering around me to wait and see what stitch or crumb I'll drop any differently? I think not.

SO, attorney - do those tricks we talked about today and I'll cut you another check, one of many, I'm sure. Girlfriend, shake off whatever is troubling you at the moment if you don't care to share your issues, get on the phone and restore my manliness. Creditors, go jump in a PCB-filled lagoon and, by the way, her number is XXX-XXX-xxxx. Cheap-ass, low-rent ex's boyfriend - come pick up your future common-law wife, please, I'll pay the fare, First Class, please. Y'all do the tricks you're supposed to do and maybe, just maybe, I'll let you lick my face.