Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It's Huge

Good news! No, it has nothing to do with saving money with GEICO, although I must commend them on what is possibly one of the most brilliant ad campaigns in history. My erection - it's BAACK! F*ckin' yay!

What's the big deal, you ask? Well, it's like this: I started taking Lexspro, an SSRI and SNRI, about 18 months ago. This was meant to help me deal with depression relating to my imploded marriage, anger and social anxiety issues. In the interim, I had CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is meant to help me help myself look at things differently so that I could be happier. I guess.

The CBT most definitely works. I have tools now that were absent before. In truth, I'm not "cured" since it's an ongoing process, but I do have those tools . . . Although, looking at this blog in recent days shows that the Lexapro is certainly trickling out of my system . . .

Why? Well, I ran out of money and my new health insurance just got approved, so I ran out of drugs, man. Good and bad. Just like the drug. The good part of Lexapro is that my Social Anxiety Disorder and obsessive thinking (whymwohgodwhymewhatsgoingtohappennexttheskyisfalling) disappeared. The bad part is that my dick function disappeared, too. Naturally, my dozens and dozens of girlfriends (ha, ha, see?) were sorely, or not so sore, after all, disappointed, to say the least. Size may not matter (lies!) but inflation does!

This entire class of drugs destroys in some (they say, though it seems that it's in all cases) libido and sexual function. That doesn't mean that one doesn't want to have sex, intellectually speaking. It simply means that if it's a choice between crocheting and marinating the ol' man-meat, it's knit-one, pearl-two. Get it? Good.

Further, the meat missile simply doesn't respond to stimulation. If it does, elevation is short-lived and weak. Medical facts. Further further, orgasm is next to impossible. Believe me, I've tried. Knit-one.

So, the Lexapro has been leaching out of my system. Okay - it doesn't quite work like that and it takes months to get back to a stable, pre-SSRI state. In some people, the CHANGE IS PERMANENT. Yow! So, I was surprised when my member decided, of its own accord, to mimic a mass-transit bus hand hold and generate stiffness that, well, I frankly missed very much.

Like a new toy, I just had to take it out of the box and try it out. Shiite, it works! I nearly danced a jig. Had I done so, my flesh hammer would have swung about like a divining rod, I'm sure. That was easy!

Not satisfied (heh heh) with this one time performance, I challenged my hat hook to a Second Coming. Get yer mind out da gutter! I just wanted to see, okay? OMFG! It worked AGAIN! I pinged it and it sprung back. I slammed it against my desk surface (at home, okay) and it resonated with a very satisfying thunk-thunk. I did The Helicopter. I did some break-dancing with it. Okay, maybe not the last part, but yay anyway.

So, now I have a perfectly good population-paste shooter ready for action. Any takers? Oh, wait a minute, that was rude. My girlfriend should have the right of first refusal . . . oh, honey . . . .

So easy a cavemen could do it.