Sunday, December 30, 2007

What The H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks Do Women Want?

The question of what any of us want out of life is ages old. We know the basics. Food, sleep, safety, warmth, sex, peeing and pooping, not necessarily at the same time or all at once, either. Yup - that's Maslow's idea of a good time, I guess. The basics are hardly arguable, though some in the psych field don't ascribe and consider it too simple. Too bad, really, but I'm with Abe. The problem lies in the climb up the pyramid, to the more nebulous themes and activities of "life", since how we describe the subjective experiences we have can be and is entirely variable and valid. Okay, good so far.

Men and women are distinctly different in their goals and outlooks in every human culture on the planet. When I was a young pup, I always saw myself more in the women's camp than then men's. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And the women I've known through my life have been kind enough to humour me all along. That's because they have been, as a group, what one would expect from a woman - to be nurturing and affably condescending toward the boyishly unrealistic attitudes of men, forgiving them their follies.

Men want and will survive quite well with the base of the Maslowian pyramid. Women will not. They want more. No, wait: they want it all. And therein lies a BIG problem.

See, ladies, you can't have it all. Even if you kick all of the male portion of mankind to the figurative curb, you still can't do it all to get it all by your collective lonesomes. And, with men in the way, you can't have it all. Oh, you can try, and my poor boy brothers are made to suffer with broken hearts and souls. Even if us guys come close, it's never going to be good enough, is it? Okay, okay - sorry: you can have it all and we'll get it for you, right now. Okay?


Here's an example. Man: Sorry, the herd had been hunted to extinction and we have not enough food to migrate elsewhere. We must now prepare to die off and become extinct ourselves. Woman: Oh, no, you di-nt! You get your ass out there and you damn well better bring back some buffalo or iguana or some such sh*t right now. And donchu bring yo sorry ass back round here empty-handed neither." The cave door slams and poor Man is back out on the veldt trying to do the impossible for Woman.

But Man loves Woman, trained from birth to love Woman, need Woman and to be nurtured by Woman. Whoa, Man! Is that all there is?

Pretty much. Us Mens have to get it through out collective thick skulls that we must plod on through Ice Age, hurricane, flood, plague and alien abduction to get what the Wimmens wants - everything in all-ness. Even the Devil in Damn Yankees sings this lyric, "Whatever Lola wants Lola gets / and little man Lola wants you / make up your mind to have no regrets / resign yourself recline yourself you're through / She always gets what she aims for / and your heart and soul is what she came for" If the Devil knows this, why don't we, Brother Men?

Oh, but we do. We try to wangle our way out of it, but it's impossible, really. We want to please, to deny our personalities to please Mother. Mother Earth, Gaia, Isis, Desi - so forceful is the power of Woman that man literally idolizes her. But is that enough? Nope! See, cause, like, they want it all. Being Goddesses and all, they will have it, won't they.

Look, Gents. Let's not belabour the point, especially since I just know my future love-mate will be calling my name any second for a refill of her Bon Bon tray. Women are forceful and reposing and emotionally deadly. Better get them "all" or you're in for it. Big Time. Kids, love, house, car, vacation, spa, you, family, peace, love, tranquility, esteem, protection, safety, danger, goodness, love, dirty-dog badness, surprise, stability, excitement. Oh, and that three carat VS-1 rock. And, and, and. And you know you want to and you know you will. So, get to work. Stand and deliver. You know you want to. Before it's too late.