Tuesday, December 25, 2007

My Christmas List

Christmas is a sentimental time. I have a list this Christmas, but it's not for Santa. Well, maybe just a little.

I miss . . .

my child's magic ages, though she's still generates new magic with each passing year.
my lost love and unbroken heart.
my youth and the opportunities that come along with the foolishness of that age.
the sense that I am not alone, that I have at a person who loves me by my side.
my mother, who loved me unconditionally, no matter how stupidly I behaved.
the chance to go back in time and do it again, perhaps wrongly but with the knowledge that change was possible.
the laughter of friends I once knew.
the freedom to be free.
moments I tossed away in lieu of goals that were in the end meaningless.
I broke my own heart by not doing the "more" I wish I had known how to do when I had to know it. I know that from here on in, my regrets will be many and that the innocence of pure love is no longer mine to have. Plod I will, empty, broken, but there's no one to blame but myself. There's no new life, no renewed future time. The torch is passed.

I hope . . .

that love finds those whom I love and who don't love me.
that I am never less than human in the eyes of my child.
that I do the right thing whatever the personal cost.
that I forget all that causes me tears but not the lessons of those events.
that you will never know me.

That's my list. Have a happy . . .